The Office
18 videoklipp fra forskjellige episoder i sesong 1 (BBC)
Om The Office, Utdrag fra timecodes.dk
The Office – underholdende kontorhverdag
En av de mest populære britiske komiserier rundt tusenårskiftet var The Office. Serien er bygget opp som en dokumentar som viser hverdagen på kontoret til papirbedriften Wernham Hogg i Slough.
Omdreiningspunktet i serien er mellomlederen David Brent, en selvopptatt, arrogant og irriterende type. Han tror han er den fødte vitsemaker, og humor inngår da også som en vesentlig bestanddel i hans ledelsesstil. Problemet er bare at han mangler sosiale antenner.
Ricky Gervais som spiller Davis Brent forteller til BBC2:
-Jeg likte forestillingen om at et vanlig menneske, en som David Brent, som synes han er en entertainer uansett hva, og som tror han er elsket – når disse typene så får muligheten til å være i sentrum – og tenker: "Dette er sjansen min. Jeg kan vise verden hvor morsom, intelligent og viktig jeg er." Selvfølgelig, han åpner munnen og fremstår som en idiot.
Ricky Gervais, som i tillegg er medforfatter og medregissør til serien sammen med Stephen Merchant, trodde først at serien ville bli populær blandt de 20 til 30 –årige, men der tok han feil.
Unge som gamle har tatt serien til sitt bryst. Dette skyldes nok hans presise observasjoner av menneskets natur. De ansatte på kontoret har mangler, og som folk flest er noen mislykkede og uten ambisjoner.
Sitater fra the Office, sesong 1
“If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn’t say Einstein, Newton... I’d go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.”
David Brent (Serie 1 Episode 2)
“Give me half hour with her I’d be up to me nuts in guts.”
Finchy, Chris Finch (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went ‘Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?’.
Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!”
Brent (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“He’s thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?”
Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“I live with my parents.”
“Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad’s not dead, but in a home, so good as.”
Tim og David (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“Me, lager. Finchy, Lager. Gareth, lager sometimes cider, so different drinks for different...needs.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 5)
Jennifer offers David the chance to take her old job, but that he’d have to leave his staff to do so:
“I know that you’re very loyal to your family here.”
“I’d be loyal to his fam- I’d be loyal to all the whole family, it’s one big family. I’d be-”
“I’m just sensitive to the fact that you have strong, let’s say emotional ties to your team.”
“Well, yeah, but there is the emotion as good in business syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenario-”
“I’m sorry David, you’ve lost me.”
“Well, you’re not looking at the whole pie Jenny. Wernham Hogg is one big pie, and if they’ve let me in charge of that one big pie, I’ll be in charge of the pie, and the people are the fruit, and I’m-”
“I don’t have time for the pie thing David.”
“...pie thing...you don’t want it, no. I’m saying...Yeah, ok, I’ll take the job. Please.”
Jennifer og David (Serie 1 Episode 6)
“In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.”
“Yeah, that’d happen.”
“Well, if he doesn’t, report him.”
“Yeah, I’ll report him while I’m walking home.”
“Get a taxi, if you’ve got enough stamps.”
“or cash ‘em in at the Post Office.”
“Shouldn’t have to. Shouldn’t have to.”
David, Tim, Gareth og Dawn (Serie 1 Episode 4)
“I’m assistant regional manager.”
“Assistant to the regional manager.”
Gareth og David (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“It’s like an alarm clock’s gone off, and I’ve just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”, and that’s how I feel. Although he also said: “I am the Walrus I am the eggman” so I don’t know what to believe.”
Tim (Serie 1 Episode 6)
“I watched that Peak Practice.”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen it.”
“Bloody repeat.”
“Annoying innit?”
“Not for me, I hadn't seen it.”
Keith og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“If a good man comes to me, and says thank you David, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I’ve done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on, then I can make that dream come true, to, AKA, for you.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“What ones are your that I use?”
“Same shit, different day, that’s mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.”
“Wankyou very much.”
“Yeah, I invented that.”
Gareth, David og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“So when are you leaving me?”
“erm, probably won’t be for quite a while.”
“Autumn?”
“Probably not.”
“I thought you wanted to go back to university and everything?”
“Yeah, I will, but there’s a slight bit of a change in plan.”
“Oh, right.”
“David’s made me senior sales clerk.”
“Wow. I thought you wanted to be a psychologist.”
“Oh, yeah, but senior sales clerk, it’s £500 guaranteed extra a year, and if I do a bit of networking, then there’s every chance I could be in David’s chair in 3 years.”
“And all that talk about moving on in the world?”
“No, I said moving up, yeah, moving up. Moving up can mean within an internal ladder framework, or sideways to external, then up. You know, you gotta look at the whole pie, vis-à-vis my current life situation.”
Dawn og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 6)
“All farmers have wives.”
“This one doesn’t, he’s gay.”
“Well, then, he shouldn’t be allowed near animals should he.”
Gareth og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 4)
“People look at me, they say he’s tough, he was in the army he’s gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn’t Schindler’s list a brilliant film?”
Gareth
(Serie 1 Episode 2)
“This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of ‘em. Especially that one, he’s mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn’t work.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I’d make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you’d be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.”
Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 2)
Gareth’s stapler has been put in jelly (again):
“Gareth, it’s only a trifling matter.”
“Here we go, always like this.”
“You should put him in custardy.”
“Ha, he’s gonna fit in here, we’re like Vic and Bob. And one extra one.”
Tim, Ricky og David (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“I don’t know where we’re going tonight. Obviously Finchy’s a sophisticated guy, and Gareth’s a culture vulture, so will it be opera, ballet, I don’t know. I think the RSCs in town, so er... having said that at Chasers it hooch for a pound and wonderbras get in free night.”
Tim (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“If a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?”
“If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.”
“If he was coming, really hard?”
“Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.”
“And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take man from behind?”
“Either ways easy.”
“So you could take a man from behind?”
“Yeah.”
“Lovely.”
Tim, Gareth og Dawn (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“I’m gonna play a very bad hotel manager who just doesn’t care, and-”
“Sorry, if it’s a Basil Fawlty type character, well, er, maybe I should do it, just for the comedy-”
“Let me play it, just to kick things off.”
“Yeah, well I’ll probably bring something to this role anyway.”
Rowan, trenings-duden, og David (Serie 1 Episode 4)
Gareth, trying out a chat up line in Chasers:
“Condom’s come in all different flavours nowadays. There’s strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?”
Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“Have you made any redundancies?”
“I gave a speech, only this morning, to my staff, assuring them there would not be cutbacks at this branch, and that there certainly wouldn’t be redundancies.”
“Well why on earth would you do that?”
“Why? Ooh, a little word that I think’s important in management called morale.”
“Well surely it’s gonna be worse for morale in the long run when there are going to be redundancies and you’ve told people there won’t be.”
“...... they won’t remember.”
Jennifer og David (Serie 1 Episode 2)
“He proposed on a Valentine’s day, although he didn’t do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said ‘Lee love Dawn, marriage?’ which you know, I like, because it’s not often you get to something that’s both romantic and thrifty.”
Dawn (Serie 1 Episode 4)
“So there I am, back of the cab, both of them got their laughing gear round my old single barrel pump action yoghurt rifle, yeah-”
“ha, his knob.”
Finchy og David (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted, so....every cloud. You’re still thinking about the bad news aren’t you?”
David (Serie 1 Episode 6)
“I’m angry, and not because I’m in it, but because it degrades women. Which I hate.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 2)
“Gareth, quick test exercise, ultimate fantasy?”
“hmm?”
“We’re just doing the ultimate fantasy, we’re all doing it.”
“Two lesbians probably, sisters. I’m just watching.”
“oh, um, Tim? Do you have one?”
“I’d never thought I’d have to say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?”
Rowan, Gareth, David og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 4)
“We go there every Wednesday night, and it’s a fun place, but it’s full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it’s irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You’ve been under attack for days, there’s a soldier down, he’s wounded, gangrene’s setting in, ‘who’s used all the penicillin?’ ‘Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he’s got knobrot of some tart.’”
Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“I like ballet, I love the novels of Proust, I love the work of Alan Delon, and I think that’s what influenced her buying me Hat FM. I like the radio to!”
Tim (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“The thing is though, no-one’s dispensable in my book, because we’re like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they’re like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.”
“And what part are you?”
“Good question. Probably the humour.”
David og Jennifer (Serie 1 Episode 2)
Gareth on possible redundancies:
“I’m not worried for me, I’ll be alright, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that’s just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn’t survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can’t see over the top, he’s got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Anton’s a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?”
Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“Slough’s nightlife is incredible; it’s got two nightclubs, it’s got Chasers and New York, New York. They call it the nightclub that never sleeps. That closes at one. There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eights. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written ‘And don’t get your Hampton Court.’ It’s not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.”
Tim (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“The thing is about long term marriage is that inevitably, the sex suffers. You constantly have to find new and erotic ways of spicing things up in the bedroom.”
Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 4)
“When cherries are ripe, they're ready for plucking, when girls are sixteen, they're ready-”
“Gareth!”
Gareth og David (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can’t do it, go on, do it.”
“I don’t, must be someone else.”
“Oh, sorry, it’s the other one-”
“The other what..... Paki?”
“Ah, that’s racist.”
Sanj og David (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“Who’s been thinking of leaving?”
“I have.”
“Well that's just stupid, you’ve got a job here for life.”
“Yeah, actually I don’t want to spend my life answering phones in some crappy sub-branch paper merchants.”
“Dawn, work hard enough, and you could be answering those phones in head office, or a better paper merchants.”
Tim, Dawn og Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 4)
“What, you got a problem with Ricky?”
“No no no, sleep with everyone in the office, he’s not even a permanent member of staff. I’d have preferred it if you’d slept with Gareth.”
"Wouldn’t happen.”
“Oh why, ‘cos he didn't go to university?”
“No, ‘cos he's a little weasel-faced arse.”
“Ah, you could do worse than Gareth, he hasn't missed one day, and don’t call my second in command an arse-faced weasel-”
“A weasel-faced arse.”
“Same thing.”
“Well no it’s not. Would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?”
“Weasel probably”
Donna, David og Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 2)
“Boring isn’t it? Just staying in, watching Peak Practice with your life.”
“mmm, yeah.”
“Not for me. I like it.”
“Yeah, I just stayed in, had a big wank”
Keith og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“You upset? about Lee is it? Hey don’t worry, right, ‘cos you know monkey Alan in the warehouse, he says he fancies you, even if no-one else does.”
“Can’t say anything when they’re like that.”
“No, you can’t, I was doing OK.”
Gareth og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 4)
Brent whilst showing how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
“ ‘Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs.’ Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.”
“If anything they should be rewarded.”
“They should be equal.”
“Women are equal.”
“I’ve always said that.”
David og Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 2)
“So the only reason you’ve been talking to me is ‘cos you want to shag me?”
“yeah, and from behind ‘cos you're breath stinks of onions and I didn’t tell you that did I?!”
“Wahey, one up the bum, no harm done.”
“No, not up the arse.”
Dame på nattklubb, David og Finchy (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“What you in so early for? Shit the bed?”
“Ha! No. Haven’t done that for weeks.”
Joan og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“To be honest I think you’re mad to let me and Finchy on the bleedin telly. We’re like Morecambe and Wise when we’re together. No, not Morecambe and Wise, because there’s no straight man, there’s no dead wood. I’m more sort of character based, and he’s more of a gag man. I do gags as well.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 3)
“I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“In this room, I have special-”
“Needs?”
“No, I am a special-”
“Needs child?”
“No. And that’s not even funny.”
Tim og Gareth (Serie 1 Episode 2)
“We’re both good in our own fields. I’m sure Texas couldn’t run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn’t do what-, well, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that, even back then. Probably what spurred them on.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 4)
“You’re such a sad little man.”
“Am I?”
Dawn og David (Serie 1 Episode 1)
“If you’re so clever, what am I thinking now?”
“You’re thinking how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro.”
“No.”
“You’re thinking if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes.”
“No. And you can’t”
“What are you thinking Gareth?”
“I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.”
Gareth og Tim (Serie 1 Episode 5)
Brent talking about Donna:
“Her dad’s not only a copper, but he’s a bloody big bugger isn’t he? So hands off.”
“I’ve got something she could take down in evidence!”
“Oh, don’t worry about this lot.”
“Do you wanna receive some swollen goods?”
“I wouldn’t mind escaping up her tunnel!”
“Get out. Get out, I mean it.”
David og noen ansatte (Serie 1 Episode 2)
“This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn’t fit for humans now.’ Right, I don’t think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he’s embarrassed himself there. Next ‘In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-’ they wanna look nice, what’s the matter, doesn’t he like girls? ‘And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren’t look up and see the stars, but belch instead.’ What's he on about? What, has he never burped? ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-’ He’s the only cabbage round here. And they made him a night of the realm. Overrated.”
David (Serie 1 Episode 5)
“You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you’re dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is ‘Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?’ That’s where I come in. You’ve seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything’s possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don’t do it so they turn round and go ‘Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs.’ I do it so, one day, someone will go ‘There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.’”
David (Serie 1 Episode 6)
Sitater fra the Office, sesong 2
“I don’t look upon this like it’s the end, I look upon it like it’s moving on you know. It’s almost like my work here’s done. I can’t imagine Jesus going ‘Oh, I’ve told a few people in Bethlehem I’m the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?’ No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that’s, very much like...me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough’s a big place. And when I’ve finished with Slough, there’s Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I’ve got to-Didcott, Yately. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go ‘Ooh, I don’t feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?’ ‘Ooh, don’t know, better ask the boss.’ ‘David can I stay in bed all day?’ ‘Yes you can David.’ Both me, that’s not me in bed with another bloke called David.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 6)
“What’s the weather like up there?”
“Oh I’ve heard that before.”
“They must have put you in a grow bag when you were little did they?”
“That’s an old one.”
“Let’s grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son.”
“Alright calm down mate, there’s no need to get offensive.”
“No no, I was joining in-”
“I didn’t call you fatty as soon as I saw you.”
“No I was joining in with-”
“Just don’t have a go at the eyes, cos that is a stigmatism I’ve had from the age of five, so that’s what make them a bit bulbous, so don’t just...I didn’t call you the whale-man or like blubber-man.”
“Yeah but I don’t go round calling myself the mongboy.”
“Well I don’t either, I call myself the Oggmonster.”
“I’m not gonna call you the Oggmonster.”
“Well that’s my name-”
“No it’s not, what’s your real name?”
“Nathan.”
“It’s a good name.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. I’ll call you Nathan.”
“I didn’t call you fatty, so-”
“What is, what’s the matter with him?”
David Brent og Oggy (Serie 2, Episode 5)
“People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: “you’re not fooling anyone”, they know I’m rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That’s the way- not orthodox, I don’t live by “the rules” you know. And if there’s one other person who’s influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it’s Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say “that’s what I think of your selection policy, yes I’ve hit the odd copper, yes I’ve enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I’m walking to John O’Groats for some spastics.”.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 3)
“I got the Slough gazette coming down-take a photo.”
“What time they coming down?”
“About five-ish.”
“They’ll love us”
“Nah it’s just me, I got something planned.”
“We could all be in it though.”
“Well not really-”
“But they’ll love us!”
“Stop trying to worm into someone else’s photo!”
David Brent og Gareth (Serie 2, Episode 5)
A snippet from Brent’s motivational talk:
“You’re all looking at me, you’re going “well yeah, you’re a success, you’ve achieved you’re goals, you’re reaping the rewards, sure. But, OI, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the yankee dollar?” Let me show you something I always keep with me. Just a little book, Collective Meditations, and it’s a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, native American wisdom, which I, and it’s really showing you that, er, the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It’s about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality. And a foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so...
Can I read one-which I think- “If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock.” It’s saying, for the first time, you know, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, don’t look over your neighbour’s fence and go “ooh he’s got a better car than me, ooh, he’s got a more attractive wife.” We all wake up and we go “oh, I ache, I’m not 18 any more, you know, I’m thirty ni- you know, I’m in my thirties, I’m not-”, but so what, at least I’ve got my health. And if you haven’t got your health-if you’ve got one leg, at least I haven’t got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go “at least I’m not dead!”
I’d rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I’m not saying people like that should be...you know, put down. I’m saying that, in my life, I’d rather not live without arms and legs because...I’m just getting into yoga, for one thing. So....”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 4)
“I froze your tears and made a dagger,
and stabbed it in my cock forever.
It stays there like Excalibur,
Are you my Arthur?
Say you are.Take this cool dark steeled blade,
Steal it, sheath it, in your lake.
I’d drown with you to be together.
Must you breathe? Cos I need Heaven.”
Excalibur, av David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 2)
“You’ve seen me entertain, and raise money, but maybe I’d like to do that in the future for a living you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it’s ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I’m your man. I’m already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I’d like to do that on a global scale really. And that’s not going ‘Ooh, look at me today, I’m entertaining whilst saving lives aren’t I brilliant?‘, it’s going ‘If you think I’m brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant’-not as entertainers, a lot of them can’t even speak English, but you know don’t give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don’t know, give them a job on the world service or something.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 5)
“What you doing with my computer?”
“It’s not your computer is it? It’s Wernham Hogg’s.”
“Right. What you doing with Wernham Hogg’s computer?”
“You don’t need to know.”
“No I don’t need to know but could you tell me anyway?”
“I’m installing a firewall.”
“OK what’s that?”
“It protects your computer against script kiddies, data collectors, viruses, worms and trojan horses and it limits you’re outbound internet communications. Any more questions?”
“Yes. How long will it take?”
“Why? Do you want to do it yourself?”
“No, I can’t do it myself. How long will it take you out of interest?”
“It will take as long as it takes.”
“Right, er, how long did it take last time when-”
“It’s done.”
“Right thank you.”
“Now I’m gonna switch it off, when it comes back on it’ll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel. Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no.”
“Right.”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Yep.”
“What did I say?”
“Hit cancel.”
“Good.”
“Thanks.”
Tim og Simon, IT-geeken (Serie 2, episode 4)
“How old would you say I was, if you didn’t know me?”
“Forty?”
“No. How old do you think I look?”
“er, thirty-nine?”
“Most people think I look about thirty.”
“Definitely not.”
“Oh, are you calling them liars? What do you think?”
“erm, between thirty and forty?”
“Yes. More honest.”
Brent, Tony og Oliver (Serie 2, episode 3)
“I can read women. And you’ve got to know their wants and their needs, and that can be anything from making sure she’s got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she’s gratified sexually after intercourse.”
Gareth (Serie 2, episode 2)
“Hello.”
“Whoooo...oggy oggy oggy!”
“Oi oi oi! Alright Oggy?”
“Keano here, on speakerphone.”
“You on speakerphone?”
“Yep.”
“Tits! Who heard that?”
“Everyone you mentalist. Shut up. What do you want?”
“You coming down Chasers tonight for Gobbler’s birthday?”
“Yeah, definitely. Jimmy the perv coming?”
“Yeah yeah.”
“What about Fishfingers?”
“Oh Fishfingers can’t come cos Susan caught him getting off with whatsherface, with the norks.”
”Oh, that is mental. I’ll see you later then.”
“Gonads!”
Gareth og Oggy (Serie 2, Episode 6)
“Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 1)
“I can’t believe you got off with a bird I fancy.”
“Why can’t you believe that Gareth?”
“Well I can’t believe there’s a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What you...? He’s a weird little bloke, look at his cartoon face and his hair-he looks like a Fisher Price man, his rubbish clothes. Makes me think there’s something wrong with you for a start, but yet in my head, I’d still do you, so I’m confused. Alright, I’ll ask you straight. Is there anything that could happen between us two while this is going on?”
“Like what?”
“What, specifically?”
“Yeah.”
“Handjob?”
Gareth, Tim og Rachel (Serie 2, Episode 4)
“Now guys, we’re about to enter a warehouse environment, now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be ass cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don’t talk to anyone though.”
Tim (Serie 2, episode 3)
“Manamana, do do do do do, manamana do do do do, manamana, do do do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do do do do do do do.” (x3)
Gareth, David Brent og Ben (Serie 2, Episode 1)
“Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That’s what I’m...you know. Trust people and they’ll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 2)
“Private life then, just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half?”
“David quipped: why buy a book when you can join the library?”
“So you play the field?”
“Well...I don’t like using chicks and shit, but I’m just chilling out while I’m young I suppose.”
“And is there a chick in tow at the moment?”
“Ooh, I don’t kiss and tell.”
“I’m just trying to find out if you’re in a relationship at the moment.”
“Brent says: no comment.”
“Right, so you don’t have a girlfriend?”
“Well, what is a girlfriend?”
“I don’t know, someone you’d have sex with?”
“Alright don’t get coarse, in a magazine for the public. I don’t think you’ll win a Pulitzer, for filth.”
Helena og David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 6)
“What’s your biggest disappointment?”
“Alton Towers.”
“Oh, I’ve never been.”
“It’s rubbish, next.”
David Brent og Jude (Serie 2, Episode 3)
“Big day today, Swindon mob are arriving. I’ve laid on a little do for them, part of the job. If you’re asking me what vibe I’m gonna lay down it’s gonna be very much just a ‘chill out, let’s get to know each other’ type of vibe.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 1)
“Today I’m doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that ‘cos they think they’re walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they’re wrong, it’s a chance for them to tell me where we’re going wrong. It’s very much an opportunity-”
“-to separate the wheat from the chaff.”
“Well, no, that sounds bad. It’s not a witch-hunt, we’re not trying to find out who the worst people are.”
“Well, we know who they are already.”
“Well, no.”
“I’ve written them down on my form.”
“You shouldn’t have written them on your form.”
“I’ve underlined the worst ones.”
“You’re missing the point.” [looks at Gareth’s form] “Yep.”
David Brent og Gareth(Serie 2, Episode 2)
“I’m thirties.”
“Yeah, but you’ve let yourself go a bit haven’t you?”
“I’ve let myself go a bit?”
“Yeah.”
“Look at yourself, you’re an embarrassment love, to be honest.”
David Brent og Trudy (Serie 2, Episode 3)
“I’m just saying there should be tests.”
“We’re all ears Gareth.”
“Well I don’t know, when they go down the DSS to make a claim then they should set off a fire alarm fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them there. If they’re fake they’ll be up and running with them, if they’re real they’ll be left there screaming for help.”
Tim og Gareth (Serie 2, Episode 5)
After Jennifer is told the “black man’s cock” joke:
“I can see why someone would find that offensive.”
“It’s not racist though, is it? I don’t say anything bad about black people.”
“It’s about a black man’s cock.”
“Why is that racist, it just happens to be a black man’s cock, it could equally-”
“No, you’re using the stereotype the ethnic stereotype that all black men have large penises because you think that makes it funnier.”
“It’s not an insult though, it’s a compliment if anything.”
“So you’re saying black people should be flattered because they’re only achievement in this world is having over-sized genitalia?”
“I’m saying they shouldn’t be ashamed of ‘em.”
“It’s a myth.”
“I don’t know Jennifer, I could show a magazine where literally-”
“Could you?”
“Well I haven’t got it with me, when are you next in?”
Jennifer, David Brent og Gareth (Serie 2, Episode 1)
“If you like top trumps you should come to me. I got about five different sets. Don’t try to beat me on monster trucks though cos you won’t. My specialty.”
“Yeah, will it’s a game of chance though-”
“No, it’s not. I would know what cards you got, immediately, just through which cards I got. I used to play it, just by myself, dummy hand, just testing out every different scenario, which cards beat which other cards for hours, three or four hours at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious.”
Gareth og Rachel (Serie 2, Episode 3)
“Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 1)
“A real relationship isn’t like a fairy tale, if you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you’re going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there’s going to be electricity, then, you’re kidding yourself really. What about reliability, or er, someone paying the mortgage, or someone who’s never been out of work. Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality.”
Dawn (Serie 2, Episode 6)
“In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers.”
Gareth (Serie 2, Episode 3)
“Team leader don’t mean anything mate.”
“Excuse me, it means I’m the leader of a team.”
“No it doesn't-it’s a title someone’s given you to get you to do something they don’t want to do, for free. Right? It’s like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.”
“I think they do.”
“No they don’t Gareth.”
“Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm.”
Tim og Gareth (Serie 2, Episode 1)
“They’re malleable, and you know that’s what I like really, you know. I don’t like people who come here: ‘Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way’. I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don’t... Team playing-I call it team individuality, it’s a new, it’s like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 3)
Talking about Bruce Lee:
“You know when he's fighting Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon?”
“No?”
“You not seen that?”
“No?”
“Have you not, I can’t... that is a classic.”
“No, I’ve not seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon, I’ve seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon.”
“Ah, that’s what I meant, that's what I meant.”
“Is it? Why did you say have you seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon? He fight’s Bob Wall in both, but Norris is only in Way of the Dragon.”
“Yeah, I know, so when he’s fighting Chuck Norris-”
“In what?”
“In Way of the Dragon.”
“Correct. At last.”
Gareth og Simon (Serie 2, Episode 4)
“The reason I put “If it’s in you, I’ll find it” is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it’s definitely not in you, I don’t wanna be sued ‘cos you haven’t got it, so, you know, not gonna get me on that.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 4)
“No I don’t talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don’t have one. Which is very good news for the ladies-I am still available. I’m a heck of a catch, cos, er well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I’ve had since yep, since I was born. That’s seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I’m a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue ladies.”
Tim (Serie 2, Episode 3
“Neil make me laugh though, because, you know, it’s his interfering, it’s his timing. Going on about he wants some report doing-it’s red nose day, you know. Ooh, what’s more important, you Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Ooh I don't know. Ooh what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know-imagine him going out of the door on comic relief day and Dawn French is going ‘Where you going, you haven’t done the washing up. You haven’t put the rubbish out.’ ‘Do it yourself I’ve gotta save some Africans!’.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 5)
“Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.’ Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits.”
David Brent (Serie 2, Episode 6)