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Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

My reality check bounced.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

How about never? Is never good for you?

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

If at first you don't succeed, try again." then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.


Next up is a program on evolution in which we implicitly mock opposing viewpoints.
        - TV Narrator

Height : Varies depending on my speed relative to the observer.
Weight : Sensation caused by gravitational warping of space-time.
        - Dogbert answers a NASA questionnaire


The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchial status of the joke.
        - Dogbert's Laughter Guide

Your boss reached his/her position by being politically astute. Don't turn your back.
Corollary : To be a successful manager, you must learn to be insensitive to the needs of your employees.
        - Dogbert, "Office Politics"

Few things in less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed.
        - Dogbert, "The Bureaucracy"

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